Happy Whorelloween?

I fear that a great many halloween costumes are being mislabeled.  Recently, I've noticed costumes with names like "sexy Alice" (in Wonderland), "sexy pirate," "queen bee sexy costume," and - my favorite - "sexy furry sci-fi costume."  Ok, maybe "sexy skunk" was my favorite.  Anyway.  I think a better description for these costumes would be something like "slut dressed like a nurse" or "what a whore would wear and think it looks like Cleopatra."

What I really can't understand is the appeal of taking a favorite/beloved and instantly recognizable children's character like Little Orphan Annie or Snow White and turning into a shame-based and tawdry representation thereof.  Personally, I find it revolting that the most innocent of characters must be degraded and sexualized.  I realize that some women are so one-dimensional and insecure that they must seize upon any and every opportunity to "slut it up",  and the naughty nurse and French maid outfits have been around forever.  But when someone chooses a "sexy" costume based on a character created for children, in my opion, they have crossed a line. It's not funny.  It's not cute.  It's not original or imaginative.  It's just in poor taste, an speaks volumes of your character.

Don't get me wrong - I'm no party pooper.  When I was 9 months pregnant with my third child I dressed as  "pregnant Frayser redneck" for Halloween. (If you are not from Memphis, Frayser is to Memphis as New Jersey is to New York. Wait- except it's not a separate state or anything...ok, so not the greatest analogy, but you catch my drift) I wore a maternity skirt, a regular, ill-fitting top, orange nail polish, big hair and red platform sandals.  It was hilarious (if I do say so myself), a bit off-color, and definitely original.  I'm not saying I'm the be-all-end-all in Halloween costumes.  Ok, my "Mrs. Roper" costume was great too.  Used one of my mom's old muumuu's from Hawaii and some tacky beads.

I guess I just don't get the "hey, it's halloween... so tonight I finally get dress slutty and get guys to look at my boobs and stuff, and it's ok because the mardi-gras like atmosphere will make people realize that being slutty is not really in my character, it's just that my low self-esteem demands that I draw attention to myself in this way when I have the opportunity and excuse to do so" mentality.  

I guess what I'm saying is, I encourage you drop the illusion, go ahead and dress slutty every day, but for crying out loud, let's leave Snow White out of it.

Tart de Citron. Part deux.

Due to popular demand, I'll now post the recipe (which I had so hoped to keep secret) for my tart de citron.

First of all, you can use a ready-made pie crust (give yourself 2 stars for being a "slice and bake cookie" kinda gal) or you can make a home-made traditional pie crust (that's three stars for your "from stratchiness") OR a home-made graham cracker crust (4 stars for you, since one could arguably eat a dog poo pie if it were in a good enough graham cracker crust).

I frequently make mine in mini tart shells (as pictured) since I tend to share them, and I like built in portion control (that's 5 stars for me for being an original super genius not unlike Martha Stewart but without the snootiness - or jail time.).

Now, here is the rest of the recipe:

1 cup sugar
1/4 cup cornstarch
1 cup milk
3 egg yolks, beaten
1/4 cup butter (if you use margarine I will key your car and tell everyone your boobs are fake)
1T lemon zest
1/3 cup lemon juice
1 cup sour cream
Garnish (fresh whipped cream or home-made candied lemon peel as pictured)
(Please don't ask me for my recipe for candied lemon peel.  It's called google, people.)

If you make pies at all you are probably familiar with the basic custard cooking method: milk, sugar and cornstarch are blended and cooked over MH heat until mixture starts to thicken, then reduce heat and cook  2 more minutes (ps- unless you like scabby pie you will NOT stop stirring).   Remove from heat, temper yolks, add yolks, bring to boil then 2 more minutes of cooking.  Should be very thick by now.

Remove from heat, stir in butter and zest then juice.  Cover and cool completely.  Fold in sour cream and fill shell(s), then refrigerate for at least 2 hours.  That's it.  You can also use the custard as a filling between layers of white or lemon cake, or you can slather it all over yourself and wait for your husband to come home.

By the way, if you like this sort of thing, I'd like to highly recommend to you the newest book by Jennifer Chandler, simply suppers.  I got a copy for my birthday, and it is some fantastic comfort food.  Makes chicken cordon bleu look as easy as Tuna Helper.  I made her potato chip chicken tenders - yes, you read correctly FREEKIN POTATO CHIP CHICKEN TENDERS - for the family last weekend.  I thought the children were actually going to pool their allowance and commission a bronze in both our honors.  Got some great desserts in there too.  You can keep up with her on facebook (Cook with Jennifer...Good Food Simply) or follow her on twitter @cookwjennifer.

PS- She's a Memphis gal.  I've met her.  She's nice; you would like her.

There are many ways to unwind after a long day of wrangling insolent kids and/or husbands. I happen to think that my tart de citron is one of the best ways.

Fact:

I don't mean to ruffle anyone's feathers, but I'm always just a teensy bit suspicious of single guys that like cats. I mean, that really really really like cats.

And now you're probably wondering - hey, how do you know he's single?

a few thoughts about Billy the Exterminator....

First of all, if you are not familiar with Billy the Exterminator, he is a Louisiana-based exterminator (the company is named VEXCON) with his own show on A&E. Putting aside how shockingly easy it seems to be to have your own show on A&E, here are a few observations:

1. Billy- thanks for teaching me that armadillos can carry leprosy. I will stop feeling sorry for all the squished ones I see on the road.

2. What is the dealio with all the spikes? Seriously, if you combined the wardrobes of any given Romones-obsessed London teen, a KISS cover band, and all the bikers in Louisiana, you still wouldn't be able to come up with such a bedazzled-ly spiky wardrobe. My favorite are the spikes that are on the shoulders of all Billy the Exterminator garments. Even the T-Shirts. I like to imagine him at home with a bottle of fabric glue and a big roll of velcro, getting some T's ready for a big cockroach shoot the next day. I'm hoping they are put on with velcro, anyway- otherwise, doing the laundry at his house must be pretty tricky. And LOUD.

3. Billy has the most complicated Mullet I have ever seen. I suppose that perhaps the spikes and color could be some sort of subconscious homage to the lowly porcupine, but the long pieces of bangs that travel from forehead hairline to the ears are mesmerizing, if incredibly odd.

4. I have to admit that one aspect of the show which I find most amusing is the way these guys scream every time they find what they are looking for. Example: "They tell us they have seen a big snake in this garage, and we're gonna go in here and check it out." 4 second pause "OH CRAP! THERE'S A BIG SNAKE IN HERE! MOVE, DUDE! SNAAAAAAKE!!!!"

5. You can buy VexCon merch on A&E.com. The website says "Wear the same gear that Billy Breatherton sports on Billy the Exterminator." Alas, spikes are not included. Sorry, but you will have to make a trip to Michael's and Hot Topic to complete the look.

6. Does anyone else think the dad is kind of a goober?

Intro

Why "the busty gal's guide to life?" I suppose the title is a culmination of the two things I hear the most (1. You have the biggest boobs of anyone I know! and 2. You should write a book!) and the fact that I like to try to help people navigate through life's little ups and downs (read- I like to talk and/or tell people what to do, the fact that I am usually unable to navigate myself out of a paper bag notwithstanding).

And just so you know, I did not give myself the moniker of "busty gal." A college roommate of mine was kind enough to do that for me. I always thought of her as a sweet girl (a twin from Rochester, NY, she told me that her twin sister was literally an "evil twin" and that she had come all the way to Memphis from Rochester to get away from her, and while I don't know whether that is true or not I like to think that it is), until I arrived back at our dorm room one afternoon in time to overhear her describing me to a friend of hers who was in our room as "the bustiest gal I've ever seen." While that really didn't phase me, I was a little more concerned when I walked into the room and found that her friend had one of my bras on her head. ANYWAY, I still hear the word "busty gal" in my head in her little yankie accent, and when I think about it, I suppose it's one of the more benign ways I've been described.